KK's Korner

Follow kkk’s Rule of Life #89 more often, you dumbass.

The First Instinct is the Best Instinct.

When leaving a message that includes your phone number, please don’t forget to include your area code; this is a big world and not everybody you call lives in your region.

The point of having a Marketing Budget when you’re not allowed to spend anything from it is so the cash can later be diverted toward whims by those higher up than you on the totem pole.

The same people who push a shopping cart around a store with zero awareness of their surroundings are going to get in a vehicle and drive once they exit the

If there is any possibility of you appearing on the Maury show as a guest, please don’t name your kid after one of the men accompanying you to the taping.

Only eat Dolphins that were caught in Tuna-safe nets.

Just because you think something is overrated doesn’t mean you have to HATE it.

There’s a BIG difference between being unsocial and being antisocial.

When someone tells you that you “have” to click on a link, you really shouldn’t.

When someone gives his two-week notice on July 20 and says his last day is July 29, you know that integral part of the team will be missed.

A worried person sees a problem, a concerned person solves a problem and the rest just post snide Internet comments about the problem.

You can’t provide good analysis without being anal.

If you have a “closed-border” stance on illegal immigration, it doesn’t matter if you change your mind on this issue — that trailer full of mulch still has to get shoveled.

One afternoon fifteen years ago I was waiting for a bus along Fifth Avenue and saw some guy peeing on a building behind me; that’s when I realized city life wasn’t for me.

If you are breaking into a house, arm yourself with a vacuum cleaner; just hit the “on” switch when the attack dog comes running at you and he will go hide under the bed while you plunder.

Single-issues voter: Annoying; Single-issues Facebooker: Worse.

Funny how some people think the term “do-nothing Congress” is an insult.

Rain is Mother Nature’s car wash, and best of all it’s free of charge (unless a tree or something falls on your vehicle).

If you are going to jam the office copy machine and leave the scene, you better make sure the jammed document doesn’t out you.

Always drop an old school beet; because it’s probably rotted and nasty.

Few things amuse me more in this world than when the office power goes out and I get to learn which co-workers still haven’t mastered the art of periodically saving their electronic work.

Abraham Lincoln said, “Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?” Lincoln was also a fan of inflicting cruel and unusual punishment techniques upon his foes.

For being a fly in the ointment, you’d think one’s skin would be softer.

Imagine how much more honey would cost if worker bees ever decided to unionize.

I’m not fat; I’m just raising my calorie limit ceiling.

No matter how bad I embarrass the better half (or versa vice), we would NEVER a chain restaurant that it’s the other person’s birthday.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence because those property owners use more fertilizer than you.

While I understand the meaning behind “Change Your Family Tree,” I still find that applying a chainsaw works better.

The first bird casualty of the back deck window unofficially marks the start of spring.

Contrary to the car insurance commercials stating otherwise, I’d be completely happy to not have my representative know who I am when I go to turn in a claim.

Whenever someone tells me they don’t get easily offended, I accept that as a challenge.

Putting ketchup on eggs is vile.

“Culinary Creations;” you’re not fooling anybody, Hot Pockets.

It may not fix stupid, but duct tape can plug it up for a while.

It’s not always bad to be kept out of the loop – especially when it resembles a noose.

Why do they call it “road rage”? You’re not angry at the street.

The best kind of zombie is a slow-moving zombie.

When 5-0 finds the AK, use the 9.

High Definition Television Purchase + Lou Holtz = Buyer’s Remorse.

If you can afford cable television, high-speed internet, a big-screen TV and multiple phone lines, then you can afford to pay your !@#$% heating bill.

Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn’t come from a store –with this here Internet, you can also order stuff online.

If people would pay more attention at the intersection when the light turns green and actually go when it’s their turn, then perhaps less people would drive through red lights; then again, probably not.

‎It’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

You can try and throw me under the bus, but be warned that I make one helluva pothole.

The only thing consistent in life is inconsistency.

I don’t necessarily agree with “merit pay” for teachers; you can try to educate all day long, but if the kid’s a dumbass then the kid’s a dumbass.

I like my face smooth as a baby’s bottom, which might explain what comes out of my mouth.

For the love of God, pick your battles; some of them just ain’t worth fighting.

Have Gus Johnson announce the Super Bowl because every game he’s a part of is great; and if the game is a dud, he’ll still make a blowout sound exciting.